


I GOT7 Inches

by greenshrub



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, For Science!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 03:34:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6837526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenshrub/pseuds/greenshrub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Somehow, a war about masculinity leads to the apocalypse?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "How do you know I'm not big?"

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that Junior is now Jinyoung, but because I started writing this before that happened, I will continue to use Junior in this fic. In any other future GOT7 work, I will use Jinyoung.

Youngjae couldn't help but chortle as he watched one of GOT7's performances of Girls, Girls, Girls on YouTube. Of course, he watched it in 1080p fullscreen because he was a classy man. This caught the attention of Mark, who was about to pass behind his chair to get some Froot Loops from the kitchen cabinet. 

Noticing that Mark was curious, Youngjae pointed at the screen as he turned around. "Look at Junior-hyung's pants. They say GOT7 right on the crotch."

Mark giggled in his creepy horror movie childlike manner. "LOL, Junior's GOT7, if you know what I mean."

"You're nasty!" Youngjae playfully slapped the California Slenderman. "I doubt he's that big."

Suddenly, Junior stood up from the couch, where he had been absorbed into Futurama for the past three hours. Yeah, that's right, GOT7 actually had three raw hours of free time. Let's just say that at this point in time, they were taking a break.

"Excuse you," Junior swiveled his neck like a sassy little bitch. "I GOT7 inches. It's a fact. Check Encyclopedia Brittanica you uneducated little–"

"I can vouch for that." JB chimed in, interrupting his waifu's sentence. "Trust me, we are attached at the hip... in many ways."

Everyone fell silent. Bambam tilted his head to the side in confusion. Jackson cupped very dry but firm hands over the boy's ears while obnoxiously shouting "LALALALALA" to prevent any dirty words from corrupting him. Youngjae looked horrified, to say the very least. JB only shrugged nonchalantly, as if it wasn't a huge deal. He and Junior had been a thing for a long, long time. And, uh, men had needs.

"JJ CROSS!!!" Yugyeom screamed from the corner of the living room, his eyes twinkling as if every one of his fantasies had come true.

Junior closed his eyes, sighing in exasperation.

"Dude, keep that shit to yourselves." Mark shook his head. "We are all very aware that you Jackson each other's Wangs."

Jackson's jaw fell open. "The hell, man? Why you gotta bastardize my name like that?"

Mark shrugged. "Freedom of speech is guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution. I am merely exercising my unalienable right."

"Anyway," Jackson rolled his eyes. "I would have to disagree that Junior's golf club is a driver. That's just too much, dude. Too much."

"Regardless, I get a hole in one every time." JB smirked.

"You sure about that?" Junior challenged.

"OOOOH SHIET!" Jackson screeched.

Yugyeom, still lurking in the corner, stared blankly at the hyung line. He knew that they were using euphemisms but had no clue what they actually meant. His head hurt way too much, so he rubbed his temples and slumped forward. Meanwhile, Bambam shifted uncomfortably on the floor and whipped out his 3DS to play Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

"Yes, I am 500% certain!" JB insisted.

"Really now? Because that weird distressed face you made in Dream High 2 and Dream Knight was bottom af." Youngjae cackled.

"You're bottom af. Shut up." JB threw a pillow at his roommate.

"JAEBUMMIE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?" Junior bellowed. "How would you know that?"

"Uh...." Cue distressed actor!JB face. 

"Whatever." Junior scoffed. "I'll just call up Wonpil because he is my best friend and he knows me the best. IGOT7 bitches."

"JINYOUNGIE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?" JB yelled, imitating his other half. "What would being your best friend have to do with knowing the length of the Elder Wand?"

"Oh, awkward." Junior's gaze fell to the floor.

As JJ Project began to bicker, the others erupted into chaos. Bambam decided to take his character to the beach to go fishing. He needed some extra bells to pay off his third mortgage, anyway. A murky shadow lurked in the waves, so he cast his rod and waited. One nibble. Two. Three. Four. _CHOMP_! He had a bite! His whole body twitched violently as his thumb scrambled for the A button. The fish circled around for a few seconds before finally giving in and getting caught. 

_I caught a dab!_ The in-game text read.

"AYYYYYEEEE DABDABDABDAB!!!" Bambam proceeded to dab rapidly for thirty seconds straight.

"This family is falling apart because of you!" Mark screamed accusingly at Youngjae. "If you hadn't made that stupid comment, things wouldn't have escalated like they did!"

"It. Was. A. Fucking. Joke." Youngjae crossed his arms. "It wasn't my fault that everyone took it so seriously. Jeez, masculinity is so fragile."

"You are taking absolutely no responsibility for your actions!" Mark gritted his teeth. "You basic, Urban Outfitters, white girl-looking motherfucker."

Youngjae jumped onto his feet and tore his favorite black fedora off of his head. His wrist whipped forward at a blinding speed, his hat spinning toward Mark like a Beyblade. The brim met with Mark's forehead, sending him flying backwards. He landed on his back, eyelids fluttering as he fell victim to the inky void of unconsciousness.

Youngjae retrieved his hat and stood over Mark's unconscious body coolly. "Let it rip, bitch."

Mark drifted through the sea of his subconscious, feeling as if he was floating. From the darkness emerged a familiar image. It was big and bright and very round. It was something that brought joy to everyone and made him feel warm inside. He took in the sight and inhaled deeply, reaching a hand out in front of him as if trying to grab it.

No, it wasn't the sun.

It was Junior's butt.

Suddenly, Mark's eyes flew open. He had returned from his dream world back to reality. The others were standing over him as he recollected himself and took note of his surroundings. Somehow, he was on the floor? Oh, right, Youngjae knocked him out with his hat.

"Dat ass..." Mark grinned as he stood up again.

"What?" Jackson looked offended while grabbing his butt in a protective manner.

"Bruh, I just went to the Golden Globes." Mark sounded dazed and dreamy. "It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean."

"The fuck is you smokin' over in Cali?" Junior crossed his arms. "You came to Korea, so speak Korean."

"Let me translate using the power of MARKSON!!!!" Jackson clapped his hands excitedly. "Okay, so basically he said that Junior's dick size doesn't matter because his ass is GODLIKE and makes up for everything ever. And besides, we all know that JB tops, so who cares?"

JB and Junior's faces flushed a deep crimson. Junior tried to hide his face with his bangs, but he forgot that his hair had been styled up eight inches high that day to compensate... for... things. His luscious eyebrows furrowed as he scoffed in disbelief. How dare he be exposed like that. Meanwhile, JB simply turned his back to face the corner and counted to ten in his head.

"Oh my god, when will this all be over?" The leader grumbled under his breath.

Yugyeom, who barely spoke a single word in the midst of all of this drama, was still lurking in the corner. His eyes were wide and alert, and his lips were curled into a creepy smile. His bangs hung over his eyes, just allowing them to peek out, adding to the effect.

" _Burn my children, burn._ "

_BOOM!_

The walls and floor shooks violently, the box of Froot Loops falling off the counter onto the wood floor and spilling its contents everywhere. Bambam's 3DS even slipped out of his hands and clattered down in front of his feet. The boys instinctively reached for their ears, their heads ringing from the loud sound. After picking his 3DS off the red area rug, Bambam's head turned toward the balcony window. His eyes widened at the sight of a massive, red and black cloud in place of the JYP building, which was usually visible from the dorm.

He pointed a shaky finger at the image beyond the glass. "Guys, look."

The others looked out the window and stared in silence. Jackson let out a gasp and then a wail. Mark held him from behind to coax him. But Jackson broke free of Mark's skinny-ass arms and threw off his zip hoodie. He slipped on his sneakers and sprinted out the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Junior called. "Don't go alone! Everyone, put on your shoes! We're going after him!"

Jackson honestly didn't care whether they followed him or not. As dangerous at it may have been, he had to head straight to the scene. He had to make sure that his beloved JYP hyung was okay, that he was _alive_.

_I am not trying to be racist, but please don't leave me hyung..._ He sniffled a little as he ran majestically. _I don't know what I'd do without you. You made GOT7. You made_ me.

_How is that racist?_ Stupid Junior and his mom telepathy. Bitch knew everything going on in his damned head.

"Fuck you, man!" He screamed out loud. _I just said I'm not trying to be racist! Jeez, let me live._

For some reason, Jackson was a slow runner, so the smoke had cleared by the time he arrived at the site. His heart dropped when all he saw was a crater and a lone meteorite, debris scattered and buried all around him.

At his feet, there was a piece of crumpled up paper. Carefully, he bent down and picked it up off the ground. It was dusted a light brown from the dirt and broken pavement and was addressed to him. He opened it and smoothed it out before reading.

_Hey there you little shit._

_You want your precious boss back?_

_Come and get it. GOT7._

_666 Suck My Dick Road. Douchebag Town, North Dakota._

_Love always,_

_B.A.P_


	2. Children of the Corn

When they had finally caught up to Jackson at the ruins of the JYP building, he was on his knees with his head hanging low. His body jerked up as he sniffled, his fingers tightly gripping the crumpled ransom note. 

"W-we have to g-go..." Tears ran down his cheeks and dripped onto the dirt at his feet. "We have to go to North Dakota."

JB snatched the note from Jackson's hands. "Let me see this."

After reading it aloud to the other members, his head tilted to the side in confusion and disbelief. Douchebag Town? Really? He could see that Bambam was nodding slowly and staring distantly, repeating each word as if to engrave it in his mind. Bambam couldn't have believed that Douchebag Town was a real place. What self-respecting American would establish a community with such a name? But hey, what did he know? It wasn't like he grew up in the U.S.

Oh, wait. Mark.

"Hey, Mark." JB elbowed the eldest in his bony side. "This can't be a real address, right?"

"It sure is." Mark replied, whipping out his phone to prove it via Google Maps. "I drove through Douchebag Town when I was in high school, on my way to visit some colleges in North Dakota."

"Are you fucking serious?" JB sighed, facepalming.

"Google Maps doesn't lie." Junior chimed in, reassuringly squeezing his husband's beautifully broad shoulders. "If that's where JYP is, then we should go."

"Yeah, come on! Let's go!" Youngjae added in his special English. "Douchebag Town! Douchebag Town!"

"Hey Youngjae," Mark whispered. "Douchebag is kind of a bad word."

"DOUCHEBAG!" Youngjae yelled louder, smiling widely. "MARK IS A DOUCHEBAG!"

Now, it wasn't that JB didn't think that this was an actual place. He just didn't want to believe it. Yoo Youngjae had been his friend for several years. They would sometimes sneak out of their dorms late at night for a midnight snack. Once, Youngjae even bought a ticket to see them at a JYP Nation concert. They even touched each other's butts when they got drunk together after B.A.P won for 1004 (Angel) on Show Champion in 2014. JB didn't know what to think anymore.

Junior nudged JB, snapping him out of his trance of denial. "So uh, I think we should let the company know that we're flying out to the U.S. for a bit."

"Not necessary." He shook his head. "We don't really have a boss right now, so we can probably leave without a problem. GOT7! Let's head back to the dorm and pack our bags! This is a rescue mission!"

And so, they hopped on a plane and flew to North Dakota.

Once the boys landed in Grand Forks, they rented a car and drove out to Douchebag Town, or where it was supposed to be. Mark drove since he knew his way around the area, while JB sat shotgun, scoffing. They were literally surrounded by cornfields. There was no way that there was a town for at least a few miles, especially one called Douchebag To–

_WELCOME TO DOUCHEBAG TOWN!_

Oh, so it did exist.

The town was very small and quaint. There was a single main road with a few local shops and a gas station. Paths of gravel branched off of the main road and led to the more residential areas. At the street corner nearest to the barber shop, Mark turned right. The gravel crumbled and crunched beneath the wheels. He made a left and one more right, and then they were on Suck My Dick Road. The car slowed as Yugyeom and Jackson looked out the windows from the back to find house 666.

Jackson noticed that there was a small child playing outside, her parents sitting in the shade nearby.

Wait a minute. Why were there two women and a man watching the same girl? Maybe one adult was just a relative?

Before he could ponder more, the car came to a stop in front of an average sized, two-floor house. They all stepped out, a few of them stretching after a painfully long 20-minute ride. JB put on his angry face and stomped up to the front door, giving it three hard knocks.

A tall man with a tough face opened the door. JB recognized him as Yongguk, the leader of B.A.P. Yongguk quietly stepped to the side, allowing GOT7 to come inside. He led them to the living room, where there were a couch and a few chairs arranged in a circle. Yongguk called in his fellow members and sat down with them on the couch, GOT7 following his actions by taking a seat in the chairs.

"So, you have our boss." Jackson's eyebrows furrorwed, his fingers linking on top of his lap.

"We do." Yongguk nodded. "Don't worry. We didn't hurt him. Youngjae. Bring him out."

There was silence.

"Youngjae?" Yongguk called.

"Hyung, he went to the fields to harvest corn, remember?" Zelo muttered.

Yongguk rubbed the back of his next, slightly embarrassed. "Okay, Daehyun please bring out JYP."

The tanned guy who was munching on a chicken wing stood up and headed toward the hallway. When he returned, JYP was following closely in his footsteps. To GOT7's surprise, he was not tied up or gagged or blindfolded at all. In fact, it appeared as if B.A.P had been taking good care of him. Jackson's head quickly shot down to hide his forming tears of relief.

"Are you alright?" Junior asked.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine." JYP smiled.

"So," Junior focused his attention back to B.A.P. "Explain yourselves."

"It all started back in 2015." Yongguk explained. "We felt like something was missing from our lives. We had been writing songs and stuff, but none of them really made us think 'wow,' ya feel? But then, we discovered this awesome thing called Mormonism. And that's how we came back with awesome bops like Young, Wild, and Free and Feel So Good. Now that we're done promoting our new singles, we decided to take a break and move to America for a little bit. We found this awesome little Mormon community in North Dakota, and, well, yeah. The people are very open and accommodating, so we're happy here. So that brings us to why we took your boss. B.A.P is basically a harem now, but we felt like something was missing. We love our company but we wanted someone from outside with a totally different style and feel. That's where JYP came in. He's a wonderful guy, and we need him."

"That explains the kid with three parents." Jackson commented. 

JB began, "Anyway, here's what I think about this whole thing–"

But before he could say anything important, the sky turned dark. Gray and black clouds swirled around, eventually forming a tornado. It rampaged through the cornfields, ripping the plants from their roots. It stripped a barn of its roof and slowly approached the house. 

"Shit!" Himchan exclaimed. "Youngjae is still out there!"

"Guys," Bambam called. "I think we should GET THE FUCK OUT AND RUN LIKE HELL!"

Everyone sprinted out the front door in different directions, except Yongguk. He remained inside, watching the tornado come closer through the glass sliding door leading to the backyard. Everything that he and his members had worked for would be destroyed by some stupid weather phenomenon. It was a shame, really.

Just as he shut his eyes and prepared for the worst, the clouds cleared. He opened the back door and ran around to the front of the house. The others regrouped, forming a circle in the middle of the street.

"I'm going to go and find Youngjae." JB stepped forward. "He is a close friend of mine."

"Be safe, or else you're fired." JYP ordered.

JB wandered through the now-sparse field, calling out his friend's name over and over. From a patch of remaining corn in the distance emerged Youngjae, perfectly unharmed. JB's lips curled into a small smile.

That smile faded fast, though.

Smoke rose from the corn plants, flames quickly forming and bursting. Youngjae was caught in the fire and cried out in pain as his clothes and flesh began to burn. He ran toward his longtime friend, his hand reaching out as if to plead for help. Instinctively, JB extended his hand too. Then, Youngjae collapsed in front of him, motionless and aflame.

When JB returned, his eyes were sullen. He let out an anguished yell and punched the side of the car. 

Junior carefully approached him. "Jaebum–"

"AAGH!" He struck the car again.

"IM JAEBUM!" Junior pulled his man away from the vehicle.

He thrashed against his other half's hold, screaming, "LET GO OF ME! LET GO! LET ME GO!" 

He broke free of Junior's arms, slowly sinking to his knees in the grass. He held his head in his hands, his nails digging into his scalp. He was no longer yelling, his breathing ragged and heavy. Junior knelt down by his side, listening to his quiet sobs.

"I couldn't save him." He whispered. "I could have pulled him away, but I was too caught up in the fact that he was okay. And then he died right in front of me."

After letting JB cry it out for a few minutes, JYP spoke, "Well, with that, I think it would be best if I stay here with B.A.P."

"But hyung!" Jackson protested.

"It's okay, Jackson." JYP ruffled his hair affectionately. "Right now, B.A.P needs a new vocal."

"Thank you." Yongguk bowed.

Yoo Youngjae's funeral was held in his hometown, Uijeongbu. Day6, though they were not close to B.A.P, decided to pay their respects since their labelmates were friends with both groups. They sat in the row behind GOT7, listening intently to JB's eulogy.

"Though we are from different companies, Youngjae and I have managed to remain in close contact. We have watched each other grow from rookies to professionals. Yet despite the challenges we faced in this ever-changing industry, we would always be friends..."

On the way home, Wonpil tagged along with GOT7 in their van. He made himself comfortable right next to Junior, who was seated in between him and JB. 

"This guy right here?" Wonpil pointed at Junior. "He's bigger than you'd expect."

"Wonpil," Mark leaned in toward the smol puppylike dude. "Now really isn't the best time to–"

"I call it Mona Lisa," He continued, much to the others' chagrin. "Because it's a beautiful work of art. It's a classic, too. If you haven't seen his dick, you haven't lived."

"Hyung," Yugyeom whined to the manager, who was driving. "How much longer until we get to Day6's dorm?"

"If traffic lets up, about twenty minutes?" The manager answered.

Yugyeom wanted to scream.

That night, B.A.P bid GOT7 farewell as they climbed aboard their rocket ship to head back to Mato Planet. There was even a trap remix of the Little Einsteins theme song playing through the speakers. JYP sent the boys a gentle smile as he gathered them in for a group hug. They reluctantly let go as JYP boarded. The door swung closed, and then the engines burst, releasing fuel in a bright white stream as the rocket ascended into the sky.

Unfortunately there wasn't much time to grieve, because it was time for GOT7's American tour. Day6 decided to tag along for funsies, especially Wonpil, who was very, very devoted to his BFF Junior. He had nestled himself comfortably between JB and Junior, much to JB's distaste. He watched the two giggle together, Wonpil's head resting on Junior's shoulder, while they watched all of the Koreaboos audition for Show Me the Money 5. It was then that Wonpil glanced briefly at his friend and then gave him a little smooch on his cheek. Before Junior could react, Wonpil had taken off his seatbelt and occupied the empty seat beside Dowoon.

"Come back here!" Junior laughed. 

Wonpil smiled widely and returned to Junior's side. He pressed the button on the side of the armrest to raise it back, so that he could comfortably prop his legs over Junior's lap. He linked their arms and gave Junior's hand a firm squeeze, which was reciprocated. Once again, he placed his head on Junior's shoulder, before they decided to resume the video.

Meanwhile, Jackson had fallen into a deep slumber, nestling his face comfortably in Mark's crotch. He let out an obnoxious snore that was almost a snort, dribbles of saliva spilling from the corner of his mouth and onto the fabric of Mark's pants. 

But this peace did not last for long. 

"This is your captain speaking. There is a fuckton of turbulence. Please return to your seats and buckle up. I won't make you do it, 'cause hey, natural selection."

Mark shoved Jackson off of his lap, waking up the thicc boi. Jackson grumbled under his breath before wiping his mouth and yawning. The plane shook violently, taking him by surprise before he scrambled to buckle his seatbelt. 

Brian and Jae were holding onto each other tightly, Jae using the plane Wi-Fi to update Instagram in what he believed to be their final moments. He snapped a selfie mid-scream, adding the caption, _lol we are so screwed #TurbulenceAF #LiterallyLOSTComeToLife #TheKateToMyJack #TheSunToMyJin #JaehyungParkIanToTheGrave_.

"Is this plane called The Bass because it's about to drop!" Bambam screeched. 

Yugyeom responded, incredulous, "Do you really want your last words to be something that stupid?"

It began to dive straight down.

Junior opened his eyes to darkness. He ran his fingers against the surface below him. It was soft and grainy, probably sand. He rolled onto his stomach, groaning, before standing up again. He could hear the crashing of waves, indicating that he was on a beach. This had to be an island of some sort, most likely in the middle of the Pacific.

The air behind him felt very warm and almost oppressing. He scrunched his nose when the smell of smoke tickled his nostrils. Turning around, he discovered the main cabin, which was on fire. He limped away from the wreckage and called out to the others. Luckily, he had found Mark, who was pinned under a piece of the wing. Junior used the strength of his amazingly luscious hair to throw the debris aside. He held out a hand to help up his bandmate. 

"Um, did you...?" Junior's eyes trailed down to the wet spot on Mark's crotch. "It's okay. I won't judge. The crash was pretty scary."

"What the fuck? No!" Mark's cheeks flushed. "Jackson fell asleep on me and drooled on me."

"Mmhm." Junior nodded, not entirely convinced.

They continued to wander, eventually finding Dowoon and Youngjae at the edge of the woods and Sungjin beneath a coconut tree. Jackson, Bambam, and Yugyeom had been trailing behind Junior and Mark in a failed attempt to scare them. Junior knew better, of course. He was Mom.

Still, they needed to find Jae, Brian, Wonpil, and JB. 

Junior put his mom telepathy to use.

_JB! Where are you?_

_I'm with your best friend with benefits._ He could even hear JB faintly cursing in his mind. _Don't worry, we found a safe-ish place where we could set up camp for the night. Just keep walking and meet up with us there._

_What is with your attitude?_ Junior swiveled his neck. _Forget it. What about Jae and Brian?_

JB paused. _They went into the woods for a bit... I really didn't want to ask about it._

When they had finally reunited, Bambam played one of Drake's fire mixtapes to start a fire. Strangely, the sand from the dug-out fire pit had ignited. Amazing. 

"So, we should probably build shelter..." Youngjae suggested.

"No need." Mark motioned to Yugyeom and JB, who knelt down on all-fours, using their broad shoulders to shield from the rain and wind.

"Wait a minute, we should do it in shifts." Yugyeom stated. "Four hours me, four hours JB."

"Fine with me." JB agreed. "Is that okay with all of you too?"

They all nodded.

"Great!" He clasped his hands together. "So we have fire and shelter. Now we need food and a way to get off this island. We can figure that out tomorrow. For now, we should rest up."

Brian beatboxed as Jae sang Genie passionately. Sungjin attempted to dance, swinging his leg like a pendulum. He knew that somewhere in Korea, Girls Generation was probably dying with every second that he danced. But did he care? Kind of, but nah. He just wanted to live.

Jackson looked up at the night sky. It was vivid and bright with stars, much unlike the empty black void over Seoul. He figured that this island must have been hella uninhabited. The moon was full that night, but something was different about it. Its features were so defined and humanlike, moreso than the usual "man in the moon" phenomenon. Its eyes seemed to blink and its mouth appeared to grin. 

What the fuck.

It was JYP.

JYP was the fucking moon.

Jackson smiled back at Moon!JYP before his attention returned to Sungjin's awkward dad dancing. He was impressed that Brian could beatbox so well. It seemed like Brian could even add subtle growling noises into the beat to give the acapella an edgy flair. It was very dubstep of him. 

Jae stopped singing. "Brian, hold up. Do you hear that?" 

"Hear what?" Brian narrowed his eyes as he tried to focus in on a sound he did not yet notice.

"It sounds kinda gross, like when Dowoon gets shitfaced and snores really loud." Cue slap from Dowoon.

"Oh, I hear it now!" Brian's eyes grew wide. "I wouldn't describe it as snoring. It's almost like growling or something."

"Wait, so that wasn't you?" Jackson shuddered. "Who was it, then?"

Dowoon pointed a shaky finger toward a large group of figures emerging from the shadowy trees. "Them."

They recognized the figures as Han Geng, Luhan, Kris, Tao, Jessica, Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, Sulli, and Zayn Malik. But, something was off. Their clothes were ragged and old-looking, and their flesh was gray and rotting. The smell was enough to make Youngjae run to vomit in the ocean. The SM Escape Squad + Zayn kept walking toward them, their mouths hanging open and their eyes bulging and hungry. 

They ran.


	3. Slender

Running was useless. No matter where they hid, whether together or separated, the zombies would pick up their scent and ambush them. They passed the plane wreckage and headed toward a jagged, rocky cliff a short distance away. JB stopped them once he felt the pointed stones dig into his Converse.

_Dammit_ , he thought. _I knew I should have worn shoes with thicker soles._

"Everyone remain calm!" Bambam shouted, reaching into his back pocket for some folded up, crumpled sheets of paper. "I have their contracts with SM! As for Zayn, I have 'What Makes You Beautiful' in my iTunes library."

"Where did you even get those? Are they the originals?" Yugyeom asked, surprised.

"Hell yeah they are!" Bambam pressed the play button on his phone and began to wave the papers around in the air. "I got Jay Kim and Jungmo of TRAX to get them for me. They're pretty much dead anyway, so it's not like Soo Man would suspect either of them."

_You're insecure, don't know what for..._

Zombie!Zayn's eyelid began to twitch dramatically. He let out a low, nearly inaudible groan as he halted his awkward zombie waddling. His head, originally tilted to the right side, began to jerk upward, as if in discomfort. 

_You're turning heads when you walk out the do-o-or..._

Zayn's knees began to buckle, falling to the sand. His zombie grumbling became increasingly pained-sounding as he doubled over with his rotting grey hands over what remained of his ears. In fact, the black stud in his ear was falling out. Gross. Meanwhile, the zombified SM Escape Squad continued onward toward GOT7 and Day6, totally oblivious to Zayn and even stepping on him.

_Don't need makeup to cover up..._

Wow, he didn't even make it past the third line of the song. Jessica's soft pink Vince Camuto heels pierced through Zayn's skull and into his brain, killing his reanimated self. A small sliver of blood leaked through the tiny hole in his head, like a yolk cracked with a fork. Deliciously tragic.

SNAP BACK TO REALITY, OH THERE GOES GRAVITY, OH THERE GOES RABBIT HE CHOKED–

Anyway, the SM Escape Squad was now closing in on the group, their decomposing flesh reeking of death and... Cool Ranch Doritos? Somehow Dowoon found this appealing. Bambam's contract-waving grew more and more aggressive as they approached, beads of sweat dripping down his face. But then, as Luhan, Kris, Tao, Hangeng, and JYJ were within an arm's length, they collapsed to the ground, cracking their heads open on the rocky surface. Jessica and Sulli, however, were unfazed, since they were still technically in SM. 

In response, Jae and Brian desperately sang "Genie," while Jackson and Mark scrambled to cover "Nu ABO." As with Zayn and his adverse reaction to One Direction, Jessica and Sulli dropped and began to writhe in agony. Sungjin grimaced as he reluctantly knelt down to swipe Jessica's shoe. He took a deep breath, raising the shoe high and then bringing it down against her head. He did the same to Sulli, and the girls of SM were no more. 

"Is everyone okay?" JB asked. "Nobody was bitten or anything?" 

"Not a scratch," Junior replied. "We're all good."

"Yay! We did it!" Jackson screeched.

Youngjae sighed in relief. "Okay, let's go back to the camp. I'm tired."

"Yeah, let's." Junior agreed, turning to his man. "We should probably _rest up._ "

JB wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, making a meme face. "You're right. We might have some _big things_ ahead of us."

Back at the camp, Mark nestled himself on a bed made out of a palm tree branch. Jackson was convinced that his muscles radiated a shitton of heat and insisted on staying by Mark's side to keep his scrawny ass warm through the night. Dowoon and Jae were having Pokemon trading card battles using the remains of the deck that they had packed. Much yelling and arguing ensued, even with Brian as the mediator. JB and Junior were sitting in front of the fire together, JB's hand not-so-subtly grabbing his waifu's perky booty. 

And then Wonpil sat on Junior's lap.

JB muttered something under his breath, wanting to jump into the fire at this point. He sighed, his eyes trailing up to Wonpil's bright and smiling face. Wonpil waved very cutely, a little giggle escaping his lips.

"Hi JB!" His grin grew bigger. "Hope I wasn't interrupting something, but I probably wasn't. You guys weren't even talking to each other."

"Oh, yeah," JB sighed again. "I mean, no. You weren't interrupting anything."

"Great!" Wonpil gave Junior a tight hug to celebrate his relief. "So, uh, how's the Mona Lisa holding up?"

"YO PIRIMIRI!" Jae screamed. "The Mona Lisa is actually smaller than most people expect. Trust me, my friend from back home went to Paris and she said so."

IGNORED.

"Uh, Wonpil," JB spoke hesitantly. "You know, it's kinda unco–"

"Wow, I didn't even realize! You're so right! Now that i think about it, Junior might be uncomfortable with me sitting in his lap like this right now. His thighs are probably asleep. I'll sit between you guys instead."

After what felt like a painfully long time talking with Wonpil, he decided to watch Jae and Dowoon's game. Finally, JB and Junior were alone again. Junior winked at his husbando and took his hand, leading him into the lush jungle. Miraculously, nobody seemed to notice, or care, for that matter.

Junior smirked as he dropped to his knees.

Youngjae mentally smacked himself in the head. Since they were stuck on this island and now probably late for their tour, he wanted to ask Leader-nim how they would attempt to address it. Bluntly speaking, the proper response to crashing on an island with idol zombies would be, "Are you shitting me?" He scanned his surroundings, JB nowhere in sight. Maybe he was collecting berries or looking for some drinkable water in the woods...

Using his phone's flashlight, he carefully navigated through the thick brush, on the lookout for snakes and other scary creatures. As he continued onward, he would occasionally hear a faint voice that was slightly low–JB. And, what the fuck, someone else seemed to be near or with him. That someone sounded like he was getting... hurt? Wait, he was lowkey screaming. Sketchy.

"Jaebum-hyu–" He shut his mouth immediately.

In front of Youngjae's innocent eyes was Junior bent over a fallen tree in all his naked glory, and JB behind him, balls deep into dat a$$. Youngjae glanced at JB and then Junior, and then JB again. JJP had no time to blush and instead, the color drained from their faces. 

Soon he would learn that those were screams of pleasure.

_FUCK THIS SHIT I'M OUT!_ Youngjae sprinted back to the camp as fast as he could. Usain Bolt would have been impressed.

"Where have you been?" Sungjin asked worriedly.

"I was looking for JB-hyung because I wanted to ask him something..." He shivered. "B-but... he..."

"Youngjae?" Sungjin placed a hand on the traumatized boy's shoulder. "Is JB alright?"

"Yes, yes..." He nodded frantically. "But he was... he and Junior-hyung... OH GOD!!!"

He ran back into the woods to puke a little. He stumbled out, hobbling toward the ocean to wash the area around his mouth. When he retuned to Sungjin, he just stared in terror. He had seen some shit.

"YOUNGJAE!!!" JB's voice rang through the trees.

"YOUNGJAE!!!" Junior repeated.

"Oh, thank god they're okay." Sungjin clutched his chest. "Youngjae, you had me worried sick!"

"About that..." Junior grinned sheepishly. "He probably has a legitimate reason for reacting the way he did."

"You two are DISGUSTING!" Jackson shrieked. "Every fucking day, it seems, I catch you doing some kinky shit in the dorm. At least fuck when I'm NOT there!"

Poor Mark was rudely awakened by the cacophony caused by his BFF with benefits. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, throwing sand at Jackson in annoyance.

Even worse, Jackson began to compile a list. "On top of the toilet, in the shower, on the couch, in the laundry closet, on the kitchen floor, over the counter, against the fridge, in MY room, back alley in Itaewon, backstage... Control yourselves, you animals!"

Jae and Dowoon declared their Pokemon card game to be over. Dowoon and Sungjin exchanged disturbed glances, clearly horrified by the visual images as well as the sheer number of times Jackson had caught JJP in the act. 

"Ya know," Junior turned to JB, placing a hand on his big manly shoulder. "I think it's time that we give Youngjae the talk. He's not a little kid anymore, darling."

"You're absolutely right." JB agreed. "Let's keep it as short and simple as possible."

JJP walked over to Youngjae, who was now sitting in the sand, the edge of the water barely reaching his feet. His face was ghostly white, and he gagged a little when he felt two shadows looming over him. Highkey he wanted to drown himself in the ocean and maybe find *Naruto spoilers* Jiraiya's and *Titanic spoilers* Jack's dead bodies.

"Child," Junior began. "When two people love each other very much, there's a sort of urge, a kind of–"

"Love, we promised to keep this simple, remember?" JB sighed. "When two people fuck, in this case, two dudes, the peen goes into a hole of some sort. That hole can be the ass, mouth, dimple, whatever."

Junior chimed in, "And, um, when y'all reach that kinda 'edge' and stuff..."

"S-I-M-P-L-E, JINYOUNG." JB rolled his eyes. "Basically, the male orgasm involves a lot of semen. Tasty white stuff that's fun for the whole fam. Any questions? Just use Urban Dictionary. Hahahaha."

JB let out a really obnoxious dad laugh that made the fish in the sea jump out in surprise. He gave Youngjae three firm pats on the back, a solid fist bump, and guffawed again as he and Junior headed back toward the others. Youngjae's fingers glided through the soft sand as he took a fistful and tossed it into the waves.

The maknae line watched Youngjae from afar, gossiping and giggling amongst themselves. Of course, it was Bambam and Yugyeom, so there was no such thing as speaking in a hushed tone. 

"Hyung, he almost looks even more disturbed after Mom and Dad gave him the talk." Yugyeom laughed. "Ya know, sometimes I hear ghosts coming from Junior's room and one of them says 'Oh, Daddy' a lot."

"Wow, you too?" Bambam's eyes widened in amazement. "I hear those same ghosts in the kitchen, like really late at night, like 3 AM. One of them says 'Get the whipped cream and strawberries.' They must be starving, poor things. That's not even a balanced meal!"

Poor Mark was listening to the maknaes' discussion, eyes as wide as Junior's ass after getting fucked by JB. They seemed to glaze over as he tuned everyone and everything out, even Jackson's desperate shrieking to get his attention. Seriously though, how could Mark ignore such a face? Actually though, with someone as omnipresent as Jackson, ignoring him was a challenge as grueling as scaling Mount Everest. Mad props to California Slenderman Mark Yi-En Tuan.

But, it seemed that Jae heard the author's comment and got salty (#umadbro). He stormed up to Mark and grabbed him by his size XXS tank top from dELiA's. Brian only sighed as his boyfriend(?) tried to start shit with his labelmate.

"How DARE you, bro!" Jae ripped off his glasses and held them out. "Brian, omg hold my glasses. I'm gonna pop on this hoe right here!"

"What did I even do?" Mark asked, confused as usual.

" _I_ am the legit California Slenderman!" Jae angrily pointed to himself.

"No way, dude. The author coined that nickname for me!" Mark argued. "Why should you deserve MY nickname?"

"Because I'm actually tall, like the OG Slenderman." Jae released his grip on Mark's shirt, crossing his arms in annoyance. "Plus, I'm like, wavy and shit."

"That's like, totally not tubular, dude." Mark shook his head. "The author wants what she wants. Let her decide."

"Fine, have it your way." Jae stomped into the woods, his hands balled into fists. "BURGER KING, BITCH!"

"Dammit, Jae, don't go in there alone!" Mark ran after him. "Come back, we can talk about our feelings!"

"IT'S... TOO... LATE." A demonic voice echoed from the darkness of the woods. 

Mark quickly retreated back to the beach, leaping into Jackson's swole arms for safety. A tall, shadowy figure crept beneath the moonlight toward the group of idols. There was an eerie silence, except for a soft yet unnerving backbeat.

"Do you guys hear drums? Where the fuck is that even coming from?" Junior shivered in terror.

The others turned to Dowoon, who was softly tapping at a cajón. "Oh, sorry, that's just me."

Finally, the mysterious presence crept closer. There were a few gasps as the light of the fire revealed a thin, wiry frame that almost seemed to be wearing a suit. There was something just... wrong about it. Perhaps it was the fact that it appeared as if it were made of cotton or some kind of fabric, like a creepy doll. Or maybe it was the complete lack of a face. The creature only sported a pair of glasses – Jae's glasses.

"Um, where did Jae's face go?" Bambam grabbed Yugyeom's hand, squeezing it until it turned blue.

"Well, that's kind of cool, I guess." Dowoon shrugged, indifferent.

Sungjin smirked. "Jae, did you lose weight? You look rather... _slender_..." 

Cue a collective groan.

"Damn, and you said my pink sweater was ugly." Wonpil snapped his fingers in the z-formation.

"Jae-bae," Brian took baby steps toward the _real_ California Slenderman, holding out a hand to caress the blank face in front of him. "Why didn't you tell me about this? How long have you been like this?"

"Brian, dude." Slender!Jae answered. "It's been happening ever since I signed that JYP contract. Under a full moon, I turn into, well, Slenderman. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want word to get out. I mean, I could lose my job. Imagine actually performing at an awards show because the industry actually notices us and then bam it's a full moon and I'm turning into Slenderman onstage. Huge scandal, yeah?"

"Still, you've been dealing with this alone." A tear rolled down Brian's perfectly chiseled face. "You mean so much to me, and I would have wanted to guide you through all the hardships."

"That means a lot to me." Jae couldn't smile, so he gave a thumbs up. “#TheInsideIsWhatMatters #YouLoveMeForMe #AndILoveYouForYou #JaehyungParkIanForever.”

"Oh, Jaehyung!" Brian burst into tears and initiated an embrace so tight that homeboy reverted to his human form. "I love you too."

The tender moment was short-lived, however. In the distance, there was intense borking, specifically to the tune of "Jar of Dirt." Bambam squinted, eyeing several ships that were swiftly approaching the island. Steering the largest, leading ship was... Coco?

"Yo guys!" He exclaimed, dabbing in glee. "Coco's come to rescue us! We're getting off the island!" 

"MY CHILD!!!" Mark backflipped off the ground and hurriedly rushed into the water until he was waist-deep, frantically flailing his arms to flag down the ships.

"Coco! My baby, I missed you so much!" Youngjae cried, following Mark. "Daddy's been waiting for you! I knew you'd find us!"

Within five minutes and twenty six seconds, the fleet had dropped their anchors a couple hundred meters from shore. Coco, sporting a pirate hat, doggy-paddled into Youngjae's arms, wagging her tail and licking his face. 

"Sup bitches." A deep, manly voice (think Ice Cube) left Coco's mouth. "I'm here to rescue your motherfuckin' asses."


	4. What Happens in Vegas...

"Why couldn't Nora have come to save us?" JB whined. "I haven't seen her in forever... Nora! Nora, oh my sweet little Nora!"

"Quit your bitchin', Jaebum." Coco growled. "You should be thankful that someone even found your ungrateful ass. Now shut your stupid little hole before I turn the ship around and toss you back onto the island."

"F..fuck you..." JB suddenly burst into tears, his face reddening as he sniffled.

While JB was crying like a little bottom bitch, Junior and Wonpil were being all couple-y and shit. Junior smiled as he held Wonpil's arms out, an image akin to Jack and Rose in Titanic. Wonpil let out a thrilled, Waluigi-like "WAAAA!!!" as the ship rocked gently with the waves below them. He laughed, rotating his head 180 degrees like an owl, quickly pecking Junior on the cheek and blushing. 

Overhearing this, JB lifted his head and wiped his tears with the back of his *Schoolboy Q voice* tittyass hand. His heart nearly stopped beating in shock, a mixture of betrayal, anger, and… consideration? For a threesome? Okay then. Anyways, he grumbled, furiously ruffling his hair in Korean. This dominant, possessive man would have none of his petty boyfriend’s BS.

“YO JAEBUM!” Coco barked. “Quit moping around! I think we’re about to hit land!”

“Stop yelling at me,” JB brushed off his pants and slowly rose from the ground, his head hanging low. “You… You’re scary.”

As he walked up to the front of the ship, he observed a grand display of bright, flashing lights that completely illuminated the night sky. There were numerous buildings that soared high into the sky, many of which appeared to be hotels and casinos. This, he realized, was Las Vegas.

His eyes narrowed in confusion as he took his phone out from his pocket and Googled “Las Vegas.” If the maps in the Google Image results were accurate, then Nevada was landlocked. Strange, but leave it to Coco to pull off sailing to Vegas, right?

So the first thing they did was hit up a strip club.

Bambam and Youngjae, being the more, ahem, innocent (questionable in Bambam’s case) members of the GOT7 maknae line, eyed the women onstage very carefully with their jaws dropped in awe. Jackson rushed to their side and placed his hands over their eyes, hissing defensively at the strippers. 

"Hey, guys…” Yugyeom began to inch toward the edge of the stage. “I think I’ve finally found my calling.”

Before anyone could respond, he jumped onstage and began seductively grinding against a pole that was already being used by a tall, tanned, stripper with blonde, beachy waves. He smirked, biting his lip as he body waved, earning a few amused ooh’s and whoa’s from the crowd. An older man with a Lucius Malfoy pimp cane slipped him a $20 bill, chuckling. 

Jackson wasn’t having any of it. In a fit of jealousy, he sprinted onstage and ripped off his shirt. The crowd went wild, tossing more money at him than he had ever seen in his life (rip that idol life tho). He winked as he started humping the floor, like, that sexy worm move. Ya know, that one?

The fun didn’t last for long, however. Junior rushed onto the stage, dragging Yugyeom away by the ear. He glared at Jackson, pointing a finger and motioning to get the fuck offstage now before he beats datass. Jackson yelped like a hurt puppy and backflipped back into the crowd.

“I’m bored,” Mark sighed. “Let’s gamble!”

The maknaes weren’t even legal in the U.S. yet, save Dowoon, but nobody cared. The slightly racist security dude figured that Asians looked hella young at any age, so they were all probably at least thirty-five years old. 

Bambam went completely ape at the slot machines, in the best way possible. It was his first time ever at a casino, and it seemed that beginner’s luck was on his side. His grin grew as a ridiculous amount of money shot out of the slots, all for him. He shoveled it up in his chopstick arms and messily threw it into his black leather satchel.

“I’ll be right back!” He shouted to the others, dashing out the door. “I’m gonna put this money to good use!”

He returned with a pet frog, which he named Datboi. It sported a tiny Burberry scarf and polarized Gucci sunglasses. The capabilities of mankind were truly amazing.

In a shady corner of the casino, Yugyeom snickered, rubbing his palms together as if he were praying but had cold hands. The lights began to flicker as the slot machines began to roll. Sungjin and Youngjae curiously approached them, watching as they began to slow down, one by one. They both let out a bewildered gasp as the slots stopped at 6-6-6, which didn't make sense because there were usually only 7’s. Spoopy.

“Fuck, no!” Mark screamed, rolling up his pants to reveal his fuckboy cross tattoo. “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”

“Compel this, bitch!” Out from Dowoon’s sleeve emerged a lightsaber that glowed red with the power of the Sith. “Prepare to watch all of your precious bandmates die!”

He raised his free hand, each of his fingers curling into his palm until they formed a fist. Everyone watched in horror, except for Sungjin, who had never seen Star Wars and had no idea what was happening. There was a slight gagging noise from the guy on the far right, AKA Junior. Oddly, he seemed at peace, even a little… turned on... as his throat was being crushed.

“Harder daddy.” Junior choked out, a strained wheeze.

“OH GOD, NEVER MIND!” Dowoon quickly relaxed his hand, visibly disturbed by his victim’s reaction.

Junior collapsed to his knees, breathing very sharply, his hands brushing gently over his throat. When his breathing became regular again, he calmly stood up again. His eyes sparkled suggestively as he sent a wink toward Dowoon, mouthing “call me later.”

“O-okay! Does ANYONE else want to play SHOW AND TELL?!” Jackson bellowed. “Because SO FAR, we have SLENDERMAN and a SITH LORD. ARE WE TRYING TO CATCH ‘EM ALL LIKE POKEMON OR SOME SHIT?!”

“Um, yes, I would like to make a confession.” Brian cleared his throat, a Whopper materializing in the palm of his hands. “I’m actually the Burger King.”

“That’s not much of a surprise, tbh.” Jackson groaned. “Moving on. Anyone else?”

“I’m literally Bob the Builder.” Sungjin pointed at his face. “Let me show you something kind of cool.”

Youngjae grimaced and almost became a little nauseous as Sungjin’s fingers dug at the flesh underneath his jaw and peeled it right off, like bacon fresh off the frying pan. Beneath the face they had all grown accustomed to was that of a cartoonish, round-faced man. There was even a bright yellow hard hat underneath it all. 

“You get the point, right?” Sungjin/Bob replaced the layer of flesh on top of his real face.

“And I’m the baby in the sun, you know, from Teletubbies? He’s all grown up now and his name is Kim Wonpil.”

Jackson sneered, “Oh, so that explains why it hasn’t been that hot lately.”

Then, JB stormed toward Junior, an actual thundercloud looming over his head. His amazingly sculpted jaw did the thing as he pushed Junior up against the wall with all the force of a great typhoon. 

“First Wonpil, now Dowoon?” JB snarled, his face inches from Junior’s. “Do you think that one man isn’t enough for you? Does Daddy have to punish you?”

With all the strength of a raging fire, he carried his other half to the nearest poker table and frantically swept off the chips and cards. He set Junior down and ripped off his clothes. And there were many noises that didn’t sound sexy if you weren’t one of them.

“SHIELD YOUR EYES!” Mark spun the maknae line around, making them face the opposite direction and securing them in a tight embrace.

On the other hand, Sungjin, being the supportive dad that he was, sent encouraging cheers and hearts in JJP’s direction. He hit the whitest dad whip in the history of white dad whips, and it was so incredible that a year later, Silento would give him the rights to “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)” for free. 

“FUCK IT UP!” Sungjin yelled, spinning JB’s discarded shirt in the air. “WHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!”

But then he realized that he was single as fuck, so he began to sing “Why So Lonely” by the Wonder Girls (#SadBoyz). 

“Hey Brian,” Jae whispered. “Why can’t we be this adventurous? I think it would be a cool way to spice up our–“

“No thank you.” Brian shoved his Whopper in Jae’s mouth, effectively shutting him up. 

“Ish col,” Jae replied, muffled by the burger. “Imma ge’ dish o’ cam. #LoveWins #LoveTrumpsHate.”

Jackson roared across the room, “WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS FUCK IN THE MOST INCONVENIENT PLACES? ARE YOU EVEN USING PROTECTION? NEITHER OF YOU HAVE A LATEX ALLERGY RIGHT? MAKE SURE THERE’S ENOUGH FOREPLAY, OR ENOUGH LUBE. I DON’T WANT ANYONE CRYING WHEN THEY TAKE A SHIT TOMORROW. ON THE TOPIC OF LUBE, MAKE SURE IT’S WATER-BASED. MOST IMPORTANTLY, CONSENT IS SEXY.”

“CONSENT ISN’T SEXY, HYUNG.” Yugyeom squawked. “CONSENT IS NECESSARY.” 

“SHIT YOU RIGHT FAM.” Jackson nodded in approval. “I’VE RAISED YOU WELL.”

Wonpil, being Wonpil, was still as dense as ever, casually striding up to the poker table where two hot, naked men were 69ing. He sent a serene smile to Junior, who was on the bottom, as usual. His head swooped down by JB’s head, which was, well, giving head. 

“Wow, Jinyoung.” He gasped in awe. “You really do have seven inches. So, how’s the Verse 2 era treating you? Which song is your favorite? I personally like Icarus. Are your sisters doing well? Your parents? Tell them I say hi, okay?” 

From the doors in the back emerged a very tired, very angry casino owner. 

“EXCUSE ME!” He bellowed. “THIS BEHAVIOR WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN MY CASINO. I WANT EVERYBODY OUT!”

“Sir, please, I’m sure that we can sort this out.” Mark sighed, maknaes still pressed against his chest. “This is our first time here and 90% of us are from a different country and we’re not familiar with the language or the customs or anything.”

“I know you’re not from here,” The owner grumbled, his teeth clenched and an ugly purple vein popping out of his forehead. “When you guys entered my baby, my casino, I heard the JYP whisper.”

“You know the JYP whisper?” Mark asked, surprised.

“How could I not?” The owner scoffed. “Year after year, always stealing my creative musical ideas, always winning for mediocrity. This is INJUSTICE! My produ– I mean, artists, are the highest quality of talent there is! I love GDaddy, I mean Dragon. G-Dragon. And I love Booby, and Janey, and B.O.T.T.O.M, and Awkward Magician! I mean, Bobby, Jennie, T.O.P, and Akdong Musician…”

The group gasped upon realization that the Vegas casino owner was none other than YG himself. Not the West Coast rapper, but the Korean music mogul. The guy who made 2NE1, Big Bang, Se7en, 15&, and more. Also the same guy who pretty much put Park Bom under house arrest for her alleged drug scandal while G-Dragon smoked weed and roamed the streets as a free man.

“Shut up, you old fart!” Bambam squirmed free of Mark’s grasp. “You’re just jealous that JYP is the best company ever! Maybe you’d win more awards if you treated your artists like people!”

“I will not tolerate this blatant disrespect from a JYP LOOO-SER.” YG clawed into his breast pocket for a Sharpie, scribbling a pentagram on the ground. “RISE, MY SECRET WEAPON!”

YG began to laugh maniacally as a blistering wind swirled around the room. Everything turned a sickening blood red, as bright light began to emit from the pentagram. The light grew until it enveloped everything in a harsh flash. When it faded away, there was a slim figure standing in the middle of the pentagram. It was Zion T.

“Zion T, my boy!” YG cackled. “End them!”

“Bruh, why would I do that?” Zion T yawned, stretching his arms. “They’ve never caused me any problems. They’re chill, yo.”

“DAFUQ?!?!” YG grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him violently. “Who’s side are you on?”

“Nobody’s side, boss.” Zion T shook his head. “You summoned me to Vegas, and now I just want to enjoy my time here, ya know? Gamble a little, hit up the rides, hit up the strip clubs. Live the American Dream, yeah?”

Just when things couldn’t get more awkward, Crush stormed through the restroom doors into the room, putting Zion T in a chokehold. His face was purple with anger, tears of hurt and betrayal streaming down his face. Zion T was extremely confused but rolled with it.

“You bastard! How could you leave me for this Shrek-looking toe-faced motherfucker!” Crush cried, pointing at YG.

“Fam, please. You’re no saint either. I see your perky little ass running ‘round with that Dean character. What is he, my Dollar Tree replacement or something? You moved on awfully fast after I switched labels.”

“I was HURT, Zion T!” Crush choked out. “I was heartbroken, but Dean was there! You weren’t!”

“Crush, please,” Zion T’s face paled, draining of oxygen. “I cant… breathe…”

To Crush’s horror, Zion T’s arms fell to his sides, limp, as his head drooped down. He was losing consciousness. Crush’s jaw dropped, a single, final tear running down his face and onto Zion T’s forehead. 

“I’ve… killed…” Crush threw his head up, wailing. “Please, no, this can’t be happening. Zion T, Zion T! Please, no… Even though you switched labels, and even though you hurt me, I still loved you, all this time. This can’t be real right now. I am so, so sorry.”

“Does anyone know CPR?” YG asked. “I only kill careers; I don't know how to revive them. Also I don't want anyone dying in here because I’ll probably get sued.”

“I’m still alive, bitches.” Zion T coughed. “It’s chill.”

“Z-Zion T!” Crush embraced his bro with benefits tightly. “You’re okay!”

“Yeeeee.” He shot a thumbs-up. 

Crush sprinted outside, scoping the streets. There was an older man with a heavily gelled black wig and a flashy white jacket and pants – an Elvis impersonator. Crush grinned as he pulled the man aside and ushered him into the casino.

And on that day, Zion T and Crust declared themselves bros for life in holy matrimony.

GOT7 and Day6 called it a day and decided that it was time to say goodbye. On their way out, JB’s Bart Simpson flip phone started ringing. Appropriately, his ringtone was the Simpsons theme song. 

“Sup, it’s Key.” The voice on the phone greeted them. “I may have found something that might be of use to you.”

“Go on.” JB raised an eyebrow. 

“We think we know where all these apocalyptic shitstorms have been coming from.”

"Huh?" JB furrowed his brows, confused. “What do you mean?”

An audible sigh echoed in the speaker. “I'd hate to be the one to bring this up, but has Yugyeom been... weird... lately?.”

JB shook his head. "Not that I've noticed. Why?"

"Just... be careful, okay?" Key hesitated. "I gotta go. See ya."

“Thanks for the tip.” With a click, JB hung up.

“What is it, JB?” Sungjin asked.

"It's nothing." JB quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, I guess we should be heading back to Seoul now."

JB was deep in thought. Be careful around Yugyeom? Acting weird? He wasn't sure where this was all coming from. Sure, Yugyeom could be a little shit, but he would never cause any actual trouble. Yet, despite the constant reassurance, he couldn't help but feel skeptical and doubtful. It was fucking SHINee. They’ve never caused any trouble and were pretty trustworthy. He made a mental note in his head to observe Yugyeom extra carefully, and carried on his way.


End file.
